I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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