Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
