Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
