i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
