True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
