just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
