I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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