Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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