Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
