this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
