Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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