it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have tasted many bathrooms
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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