I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
