i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
