You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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