you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize