Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
