remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
