Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
