I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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