fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
