My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
