Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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