I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
