Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
