im about as happy as oj after his trial
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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