I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
