My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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