im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
