Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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