Nicole vs. Life
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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