awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
this is an emotional support booty call
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
