i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
