she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
