The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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