I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You made out with two different species that night
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
