Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
