The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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