I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
