Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize