I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
