I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
