I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
