so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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