i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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