I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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