Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
