I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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