My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My balls are so social today.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
