Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
