I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
