i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
