Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
