It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
