I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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