im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
40s are totally the cure
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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