I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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